It had been a gradual and slow transition from that free spirited, beautiful childhood to this saturated, sickly, contemptuous man. It had taken a lot of decay and corruption for all those dreams to fall and crumble in the dust of the city life.

There was nothing much to be told as there was to be seen. For certain things can't just be told for the sake of revelation; they must be seen for it. Learning is a slow procedure and one can't start out with perfection. A lot of twisting and tunneling is required for a person to reach the other shore; and when he stands there he can easily look through the younger him - ten or twenty years back. But to gain an idea of the immediate position of oneself is a difficult job; for people can't see within themselves while they play their parts. Time could give one understanding but for the immediate realization it is felt by people that they should split themselves into two - one who acts his part out in his performances ; and the other the audience; indeed the best audience for that act.

Probably, Ehsaan needed something like this. He should have probably split himself into two, and allowed one of the two to play audience to the first. From his current position, from where he stood, from where he suffered and enjoyed that suffering and being part of that cycle at every moment of that period, he could not see through himself properly.

4ed

The doors aren't closed yet...

Prologue

He sat slouched in his primitive rags, in the company of sand, dust, and many life forms, none of his own clan. Since times obscure, those few square feet of exposed land had become his home. Thousands of people passed him everyday. The hungry and thirsty didn’t notice him at all while the complacent thought it wise to spare him a look of pity or contempt. But he had long since stopped noticing all this. He had long since stopped noticing almost everything. But today, something had caught his attention. Lazily but attentively, he looked at a pup barking at and trying to chase its own shadow – and marvelled at the fun the little one must be having. His memory flew back to those incredible sunshine years of his life...

Chapter 1 – A flashback

He was born to a well to do couple Harish and Rose Day, the only educated and hindu-catholic couple residing in the tiny hamlet of Sagaai, Narmada forest reserves. It was Harish's passion for wildlife and Rose's will to work for betterment of forgotten farmers that brought them to their present red and blue painted home amidst the soothing calls of deers and hornbills.

His childhood was rather not very special but quite unusual. Just out of cradle, at the tender age of eight, he swam in open waters with children of the tillers and chewed wild berries or wheat grains for the never ending summer noons. He was born in the woods like all his playmates yet a want to absorb the most of fresh air and serene scenes lingered in his mind. He never could get bored of floating in the rivers and hopping in the woods. All he returned home was for the dinner, sleep and breakfast. He was a wild, carefree and gypsy spirit ever lost in contemplation over his lust for the woods and wild.

Couple of days a week, he was tied down at home by his ma who tried different home recipes to educate him. And he hated the look of four walls, pencil and texts full of letters left to be outlined. But at the same time, he was extremely eager for the evening when his mother would tell him a long story from mahabharat or bible and sing him a new lullaby each time.

However, all was not sweet and well. Like most of eight year olds, he was still a baby who would hide behind his ma’s dupatta when some alien guest was entertained. And his subject of worry was not incomplete homework or getting good grades but something very unfortunate. His eccentricity, talks full of deep contemplation, superstitious masses and his famously intelligent parents. All these conspired against his rabit walk and blossoming childhood. The villagers started gossiping about him being the ‘avatar’ of the forest-god ‘Bhima’ and held high respect for and great hopes from this little one. He, ofcourse, was not unaffected by these. Women always veiled before appearing in front of him and his playmates nearly isolated him. Any ill person (who was thought to be jinxed) was brought to him and he caught severe flu for once. All this greatly worried his parents who were neck deep in responsibilities to escape out from Sagaai.

The only way out was to send their son Ehsaan to Ahmedabad under the care of Pearl’s sister Devi and her husband Ron. It was needed to be done tomorrow if not today as proper schooling was not possible for him at Sagaai. And the competent world swallows down raw, anybody who cannot stand its weird norms and unethical ethics.

And now, after ten hard years dotted with happy days with his parents, after losing them to tribal militancy, after getting compelled to be independent, after failing in a miserable way,…

With very little of nostalgia, Ehsaan survives on ‘ehsaan’ done to him by unkown strangers walking by him.



Chapter 2 – Harvest of the suffering

He closed his eyes, smiled insanely with the idea and thought about the pup playing in it's surroundings exploring. He opened his eyes and tried to confirm his ideas. He smiled again.

The man was not stupid. He was able to register a lot of his own consciousness. He had registered that the pup was not learned and was learning to deal in it's own surroundings. It had not yet learnt to use its paw properly so that the flower which it was trying to pluck out kept slipping from between it's paws. The pup was raised on its hind legs, partly supported by the stem of the plant and the moment the flower slipped off its paw, it would fall back and sit below staring at the flower probably formulating another strategy to grasp it and leap up onto the stem within some seconds. There was a bee by the side which kept coming close to the flower. The little pup, which was initially engaged with the flower, would, suddenly upon spotting the bee, start to run after it and occasionally jump up to catch it with its paws. After an initial chase, it would sit down lost in direction and not knowing where the bee had gone. Then suddenly, probably upon hearing the buzzing near its ear and behind its shoulder, it would get up and take a few turns around wherever it was initially seated.It would see the bee flying ahead just above the pup's head, and it would leap after it. The bee would be in reach of its snout perhaps. It would ascend by a small amount at which the pup would stop and stand for a moment looking it, it tail still wagging, but slowing a little. After a few seconds of staring the pup would sit and stare. After about a minute, the it would go back to the flower and start playing with the flower again. It was clearly visible that the pup was very excited at that moment.

The man was observing this. He smiled when he realized the contrast of his thinking with the dog's and the dog's obliviousness to his thinking all this. "It would be probably but a couple of years and this dog will have it's own story to tell won't it? It would lose it's virginity and become a mother, with a love for her own pup which will" - he thought ahead with a further smile "forget her and desert her."

He took up a stone by the side of his arm where he was lying down. He had the sadistic impulse to give the pup another experience. So far, he thought, the pup was just learning by having fun. How would it be to throw a stone at it and make it experience pain as well? He smiled a bit more. But then he stopped. He realized one more thing.

He was not like any other man lying down at that old end with none other who looked like him. He was clever as has been mentioned before. He was conscious of his dislike for this malice of wanting to throw the stone at the dog, but was not able to suppress the malice. It was too strong an emotion and he knew that he was flowing away with it and would regret it. Not focussing on this part of his consciousness of predicting the self - hate this would give him, he allowed himself the indulgence of the sickness and sadism that precedes such actions and which results in them. He took a certain pride in knowing that at that moment, the difference between him and the other beggars like him was that they would not see destroyable beauty and life in what he was witnessing; it was thus obvious for them not to throw a stone at it for that purpose, although many of them were as self - destructive and helpless as he was.

The pup was playing at the other end again with the flower and had finally plucked it out. It was now trying to separate the petals from the central part of the flower by putting one paw as a weight on the central part and pulling on the petal with the other front paw. The petal tore. The pup looked at it and stared. It went over to another petal and started the same thing.

The man was starting continuously. He was not yet properly decided on throwing the stone at the pup but he had already started the action on an instantaneous caprice and gave in to the action and did not think when he finally threw the stone.

The stone hit the pup's rear and it yelped loudly with a start, running away to quite a distance , turning around and searching for the source of the stone; it's stare mingled with fear, puzzlement, surprise and probably - if permitted to such low animals not capable of feeling and thinking like humans - shock as well.

The man looked at the dog. He felt that slight urge to cry but a second later he felt that he was already recovering. He kept staring at the dog.

He concluded that he enjoyed this episode pretty much, although he hated himself for it as well.

3ed

"Yea, it was so removed from the city. And there was a pond nearby where we used to go and bathe, me, mom and dad. Yea..." he closed his eyes, smiled insanely with the idea and thought about the pup playing in it's surroundings exploring. He opened his eyes and tried to confirm his ideas. He smiled again.

The man was not stupid. He was able to register a lot of his own consciousness. He had registered that the pup was not learned and was learning to deal in it's own surroundings. It had not yet learnt to use it's own paw properly so that the flower which it was trying to pluck out kept slipping out of it's paw. The moment the flower slipped out the pup which was on it's hind legs, it's body partially supported by the stem of the plant, would come off the plant and sit below staring at the flower only to wait just a few seconds, probably formulating another strategy to pluck the flower. There was a bee by the side which kept coming close to the flower. The little pup, which was initially engaged with the flower, would, when suddenly upon spotting the bee, start to run after it and occasionally jump up to catch it with its paws. After an initial chase, in which the pup would take a few turns around wherever it stood (probably confused as to where the bee had suddenly disappeared and then after suddenly spotting it for a second behind its shoulder get up again), the bee would fly ahead just above the pup's head, in reach of its snout perhaps. It would ascend by a small amount at which the pup would stop and stand for a moment looking it, it tail still wagging, but slowing a little. After a few seconds of staring the pup would sit and stare. After about a minute, the it would go back to the flower and start playing with the flower again. It was clearly visible that the pup was very excited at that moment.

The man was observing this. He smiled when he realized the contrast of his thinking with the dog's and the dog's obliviousness to his thinking all this. "It would be probably but a couple of years and this dog will have it's own story to tell won't it? It would lose it's virginity and become a mother, with a love for her own pup which will" - he thought ahead with a further smile "forget her and desert her."

He took up a stone by the side of his arm where he was lying down. He had the sadistic impulse to give the pup another experience. So far, he thought, the pup was just learning by having fun. How would it be to throw a stone at it and make it experience pain as well? He smiled a bit more. But then he stopped. He realized one more thing.

He was not like any other man lying down at that old end with none other who looked like him. He was clever as has been mentioned before. He was conscious of his dislike for this malice of wanting to throw the stone at the dog, but was not able to suppress the malice. It was too strong an emotion and he knew that he was flowing away with it and would regret it. Not focussing on this part of his consciousness of predicting the self - hate this would give him, he allowed himself the indulgence of the sickness and sadism that precedes such actions and which results in them. He took a certain pride in knowing that at that moment, the difference between him and the other beggars like him was that they would not see destroyable beauty and life in what he was witnessing; it was thus obvious for them not to throw a stone at it for that purpose, although many of them were as self - destructive and helpless as he was.

The pup was playing at the other end again with the flower and had finally plucked it out. It was now trying to separate the petals from the central part of the flower by putting one paw as a weight on the central part and pulling on the petal with the other front paw. The petal tore. The pup looked at it and stared. It went over to another petal and started the same thing.

The man was starting continuously. He was not yet properly decided on throwing the stone at the pup but he had already started the action on an instantaneous caprice and gave in to the action and did not think when he finally threw the stone.

The stone hit the pup's rear and it yelped loudly with a start, running away to quite a distance , turning around and searching for the source of the stone; it's stare mingled with fear, puzzlement, surprise and probably - if permitted to such low animals not capable of feeling and thinking like humans - shock as well.

The man looked at the dog. He felt that slight urge to cry but a second later he felt that he was already recovering. He kept staring at the dog.

He concluded that he enjoyed this episode pretty much, although he hated himself for it as well.

2ed

He sat slouched in his primitive rags, in the company of sand, dust, and many life forms, none of his own clan. Since times obscure, those few square feet of exposed land had become his home. Thousands of people passed him everyday. The hungry and thirsty didn’t notice him at all while the complacent thought it wise to spare him a look of pity or contempt. But he had long since stopped noticing all this. He had long since stopped noticing almost everything. But today, something had caught his attention. Lazily but attentively, he looked at a pup barking at and trying to chase its own shadow – and marvelled at the fun the little one must be having. His memory flew back to those incredible sunshine years of his life...

Born to well to do couple Harish and Rose Day, the only educated and hindu-catholic couple residing in the tiny hamlet of Sagaai, Narmada forest reserves. It was Harish's passion for wildlife and Rose's will to work for betterment of forgotten farmers that brought them to their present red and blue painted home amidst the soothing calls of deers and hornbills.

1ed

He sat slouched in his primitive rags, in the company of sand, dust, and many life forms, none of his own clan. Since times obscure, those few square feet of exposed land had become his home. Thousands of people passed him everyday. The hungry and thirsty didn’t notice him at all while the complacent thought it wise to spare him a look of pity or contempt. But he had long since stopped noticing all this. He had long since stopped noticing almost everything. But today, something had caught his attention. Lazily but attentively, he looked at a pup barking at and trying to chase its own shadow – and wondered…